I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
