You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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