I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
