I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
