All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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