I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
