If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
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Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
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So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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