So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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