I faked an abortion last night.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
