I just pynch a tree in the face
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
