someone threw a dead crab at me
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
