Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
