I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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