Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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