she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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