I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
