Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
