wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
