it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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