If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
