You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
