Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
