I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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