Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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