just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
