In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have demons in me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
