I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
