i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
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I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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