Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
