awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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