1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
