Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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