Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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