i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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