$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Are we still banned from the library?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
