im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
