she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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