Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
