I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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