Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
