You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
