i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
