New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
