i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
