I think I won the penis lottery.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
