anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
