That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
