Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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