im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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