so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
