I am puke
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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