You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
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I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
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We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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