the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
