where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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