porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
