There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
