I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
